Oceans

March 28, 2019

IMG_6827

Sur la plage

Lately I feel swept away. Like I can’t find my footing and the current is pulling me all over the ocean. Like my throat keeps filling with water and I can’t quite breathe. I know God has hold of me and He won’t let me drown, that He’s spreading Himself out beneath me like a net, like a floor, like a foundation. I feel Him urging me deeper into Him. Urging me to dig down with my hands until my knuckles bleed, to stretch my toes all the way down into Him until I find true footing. Until I grip the bottom and the waves can threaten and shake me, but they won’t sweep me away.

I didn’t grow up with an open heart. I was a fearful child who became a hardened young women with a tight wall around my heart. It wasn’t until I was about to adopt my son that my heart truly opened. God had been working on me for years, chipping away at the death grip I had around my emotions, my vulnerabilities. As I prepared to become a mother all the walls just broke away and I was reborn with a soft heart. Raising Rahul was harrowing, and God kept me strong and tough skinned. But the new, soft heart He created within me was a wonder to me. I couldn’t believe all that I was feeling. I couldn’t believe how much I loved this child. I felt like I was truly living life for the first time.

And I loved mothering so much that I began to open my arms and my heart to other people around me. I cultivated a beautiful group of friends and have learned over and over again how to open my heart to the people God has put in my life. As a hairdresser I have the opportunity to connect with people on a deeply personal level, and I truly love my clients. I love learning about them and listening to their stories, their experiences. I love that they trust me and listen to my stories, too.

But one of the consequences of living life with an open heart is that it gets broken over and over again. I never want to go back to living with closed-off emotions, but sometimes the heartbreak is overwhelming. And lately it feels like wave after wave of pain. Oceans of pain. As I hold on to people I love while they are drowning in depression I feel myself being pulled under, too. As I hear them pour out their hearts in grief and remorse, I feel those waves knocking me around. As I give my heart to people who don’t want it, I feel myself sinking deep below the surface. Oceans of unrequited love, behind and afore, overwhelm and horrify me. Waves of humiliation break over me as I give my heart where it’s not wanted. I’m stretching myself as wide as I can, reaching out my arms, but they can’t steady me.

So I am trying to dig down. I’m searching for footing. Stretching vertically, not just horizontally. I’m pressing my toes down to the mud and reaching my eyes up to the heavens. A favorite song rings through my soul. I will call upon Your Name, and keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise…Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. Going deeper is finding surrender. Digging deeper is something I can DO. It is not passive. Deeper is safer. Deeper is grounded. Deeper is less me, more God. Going deeper allows me to stretch my arms out as far as I want to without toppling over. And God is there in the deep, calling out to me. “Deep calls to deep, in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.” Psalm 42:7

You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery.

In oceans deep my faith will stand.

 

(Here’s the song. Oceans by Hillsong UNITED)

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11 Responses to “Oceans”

  1. Becky said

    ❤️❤️❤️ please remember that while an open heart is a WONDERFUL thing, self-care is imperative. You know what helps you relax and it’s important to take that time. I know that you know this but sometimes knowing in your head doesn’t translate to the heart/action and you are no good to anyone if you are swept out to ocean. You are a beautiful person and I want you to take care of yourself!

    Motherly rant over.

    Love you!!!

    Like

    • Thank you Becky! Yes, actually writing is one of the ways I try to take care of myself. Sometimes I feel like I need to edit myself so people don’t feel badly for me but lately I’m trying to not be ashamed of my feelings♥️

      Like

  2. Viviane Scott said

    Wow!! Your post resonates in the fibers of my soul and leaves me connected to my own emotions within similar experiences.
    Imagine the wisdom we are getting in the deep, where our knuckles bleed. We are not little universes on shoulders walking with the pride youth can bring anymore, we are no longer dragging concrete walls of protection…. and we will soar like eagles…

    So, Cheers to growing pains!!!
    When one part suffers all suffer, when one part is honored, all rejoice.
    I will keep you in my prayers and I am going to listen to that ocean song that reaches deep chords within.

    And I thank you for your vulnerability.
    Also, your writing is magical to me.

    With love, in Him

    Like

  3. Eliana V. Vera said

    You have touched the deepest of my emotions, how I wish I couldn’t relate to your pain Renée. Thank you for putting into words what my heart can’t. What a beautiful gift God has given you. Who wouldn’t want your Huge Heart? You are an amazing woman, an amazing friend a true Student of Jesus Christ. I am honored to call you Friend and will always be grateful to the Almighty for your friendship which came as a result of my own drowning in an ocean of pain and depression. Thank you for using your heart to heal others. I love you friend and I am here for you ALWAYS.

    Like

  4. Carmelo Guareco said

    ” We know only too well that what we are doing is nothing more than a Drop in the Ocean. But if the Drop were not there, the Ocean would be missing something.
    Mother Teresa.
    We are always missing something till we get complete. ” You know his name.”

    Like

  5. Jose Rivera said

    Hi Renee
    Thank you for sharing your feelings. It’s hard to put yourself out there not sure what to expect in return. I admire your bravery. keep posting.

    Like

  6. Anita De la Rosa said

    How cool is that the same God who created the mountains and oceans and galaxies look at you and thought…the world needed one of you, too.

    Like

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